Karma, and one too many kormas

I’ve always been a light believer in karma; until this morning.

After spending the best part of 3 months being sexually harassed by a contract worker in this office (they don’t call them contract scum for nothing!) I believed he’d never get any punishment for it. I had deleted all the emails and the IT systems are a bit pants in here so nothing was saved, so ultimately there was no evidence. But today proved me wrong! Bear in mind that he’s not the slimmest of people; think dawn French on steroids after eating the Super-Size me diet for a year.

I’m not one for listening to the conversations in here as they mostly revolve around scantily clad women, motorbikes, food, beer and “oh man, I was so hammered last night.” *** I tend to spend the days with both earphones plugged firmly in and the volume at an indecent level. Although that’s often not enough to drown out a certain persons singing and humming, not to mention the whistling. Anyway, I was just sitting back down from having a bit of a stretch (a procedure which requires the removal of all plugs) and I happened to hear the end of the harasser’s conversation on the phone. It went along the lines of “I was in there for 10 minutes and the communication systems didn’t work. I didn’t know what to do, then the lift dropped and I just panicked.”

I honestly did try to not wet myself laughing; obviously I didn’t try hard enough because it escaped in a very loud snort! To quote a colleague “Yes it is amusing. He walked to his desk first thing like he'd had a stroke, high knee action, limp foot stylee.”

Ahhhh, laughter truly is the best medicine!

*** There’s always a downside for working in a male dominated environment

A Rush of E Numbers to the Head

That would have made a better album title I think!

Sunday saw me reach the grand old age of 26 and after a pretty much disastrous Saturday I was welcoming a rest. Well, it could have been worse I spose; worse than a lunch where someone ended up paying 3 times more than they should have, then an evening spent having the house vandalised by some ignoramus and finally a bit of a health scare. Well, I say a bit; a heart rate of 160, breathlessness and chest pains isn’t just a bit. But in all fairness I’ve had it before so I just lay flat and think of England……..so to speak! Get your mind out of the gutter young man!

So to commiserate I brought in cakes today. Least I brought in a selection of chocolate rolls, doughnuts, apple pies and Heros. Fifteen minutes after sending round the obligatory email I’m not the proud owner of one pat on the head, one attempted birthday kiss and numerous emails from people pretending they cared it was my birthday. Ahhh office politics, don’t you just love them!

That brings me to my trip to Tesco this morning. I can never stomach the main superstore first thing in the morning so I head to the smaller Tesco which is just round the corner from work. The staff are much more pleasant and cheery and this morning was no different. I had already decided that with some of my birthday money I was going to treat myself to the DVD of Hot Fuzz. Heading over to the stand I was pleased to see that they had a few copies left. I noticed some mammoth Yorkie bars next to them, so thinking they probably cost a couple of quid and it was just a promotional thing I ignored the yearning I was experiencing, picked up my DVD, dumped it in the basket and headed to the till. Turns out that the mammoth Yorkie bars were free with the DVD I was purchasing so the check out assistant scuttled off to get me one. Feeling quite pleased I headed out to the car with my shopping and took a closer look at the Yorkie bar. This thing is seriously huge. I would estimate about 12 inches and each piece felt about the size of a small lama. Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but it has to be seen to be believed! As much as I feel sick at the thought, I can well imagine that the whole bar will disappear during the course of the film…….purely because of the gremlins that’ll come and steal it you understand!

Oh Crumbs!

9am; my regular time for heading down to the canteen to make breakfast. If anyone tries to beat me to the toaster they’re toast themselves, so imagine my total displeasure this morning when I arrive at the canteen to find the toaster and the counter it sits on occupied by not one, but TWO invaders! Eventually one vacated a space so I used the opportunity to jump right in and claim my stake in the toaster.

I think I probably scared the bloke who was still standing there buttering his toast as he started to move his plate closer to the end of the counter. I felt I should say something to assure him I wasn’t about to karate chop him with my crutch* so I came out with “sorry, I’m not trying to push you out of the way, I’m just hungry.” I was trying to push him out of the way but that’s beside the point! He then commented on how impressed he was as I cleaned the bread board down and the surrounding area. I had to correct him, “I’m not domesticated, I’m just anal.” If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s other peoples crumbs on my toast. I have no idea why……oh wait…..yes I do……I’m anal!

Thankfully I don’t come across this man often, but at least now he’ll know to steer clear when I’m hungry!!



*not an eastern pornographic move